A Plane Tripy-Trip

So, I hopped a plane to Tampa (I know, Fort Lauderdale to Tampa – world class traveler am I) to see one of my BFF’s – I just needed to get away from my craziness and have some good times with one of my favorite girlies, and she just moved into a new house and I wanted to see the loveliness of the new house – Also, I got the tickets for $9.00 each way, well, actually, I got them free, but that’s another story – Anywho, about the plane ride, I really shouldn’t complain, so I’m not going to, I’m just going to tell you a short story…that happens to have sarcasm, some attitude and possibly a lack of commendations within in – but no, no complaining. 

So, the plane trip to Tampa.  It was a 7:50pm flight – it should take 40 minutes.  How awesome is that?  By the time you reach altitude, it’s time to start dropping again to land.  Phenom!  Anyboredom, I ended up with an aisle seat, but I wanted a window seat, but it’s better than the middle seat, so, I was okay with the aisle seat.  There was a girl in the window seat and a guy in the middle seat.  I put my luggage away and sat down to chillax while the remaining 144 other people attempted to find their seats.  So, you may or may not know this about me, but I’m a people watcher…I like to watch people, not in a creepy way, just in an interested way, and the guy next to me is wearing sunglasses.  And it’s 7:30 at night.  And we’re sitting in a plane.  BINGO!  I just found my next investigative study.  So, he seems really anxious to get this plane in the air, and he keeps looking around the seat in front of him to see the line of people lingering in the walkway, similar to how one would look around stopped cars in front of you when you’re sitting in traffic wondering what in the hell is holding everything up – but unlike in traffic, where it could be a myriad of reasons, this is a plane, and there’s really only one reason…people take their S.A.T. (Sweet Ass Time) – that’s it.  They know they’re going on a flight, they know they have to be at the airport at a certain time, they know they have to be on the plane to get to where they need to go…and they still drag along like their freakin’ feet are glued to the ground.  No clue. 

Anways, people were still boarding the plane at 7:50pm, which is when we were supposed to take off, and the guy next to me keeps futzing with his seat and the seatbelt and the tray table, and the Time magazine from August 2006 (which informed me that “The Simpsons” is no longer being shown in China – huh…Awkward) and anything he can get a hold of really, he’s messing with.  Oh, I forgot to mention that as soon as I sat down, I realized he’d already started drinking.  Apparently he’d been drinking since…he was about 12 (and he’s 37 – I’ll tell you how I learned that lil’ nugget of knowledge a little later, please stay tuned) – so, everyone gets nestled all cozy-like in their seats, (Note To Readers: Spirit Air Staff is not so much my favorite air staff.  Thank You.  That Is All), finally, we take off.  I’ve got my iPod and am listening to some Aerosmith and realize the OCD dude beside me has completely passed out and is currently resting his head, which houses his alcohol-drenched breath ever so lovingly on my shoulder.  Blah.  I don’t like people that I know touching me all that much, let alone random strangers.  So, I shift my shoulder and his head bounces back and he wakes himself up.  Now, as I had mentioned before, this is a 40 minute flight.  Yeah – The flight crew comes around and offers food and drink….to purchase…um, no thanks – but, additional side note:  You can buy beer and alcohol.  So guess who sitting next to me wanted to buy some beer.  Indeed.  Our good friend, Sunglasses Guy (who I shall lovingly refer to as S.G.G. for the remainder of this post) – and SGG bellows to the Flight Attendant and asks what kind of beer they have.  She says, Miller, Miller Lite or Bud Light – and here’s how it went down:

SGG: “Um, I’ll take a Bud Light.”

Flight Attendant: “Sure – How many do you want?”

SGG: “How many do I want? It’s a short flight sweetie – this ain’t a party!”

Flight Attendant: “Okay – No problem, Miller it is.” 

SGG: “No, I’d like the Bud Light”

Flight Attendant: “Oh, sorry…no problem – so, Miller?” 

Which is when I began to giggle, because that’s just free comedy right there.  Anywho, she said sorry, again…and went to get the beer.  He looks at the girl to the right of him and myself and says, “You both heard that right?  What was that about?”  I told him she must obviously own stock in Miller.  So, the attendant comes back and hands him a plastic cup and…a Miller.  Seriously?  Wow.  Even I laughed when that happened.  He started laughing and she promptly walked away to mess up someone else’s request.  So he starts to open the can and I told him to ask for the Bud (since that’s what he asked for originally) – and when she walked back by, he got her attention and asked for the Bud instead of the Miller.  She looked at him like he had just asked her to bend over for a second so he could have a place to put the beer – she was just awkward.  So, she comes back, with the Bud Light and didn’t even apologize for the screw up.  Oh well.  He pops the can open and starts drinking.  Then, bless her heart, he starts chatting to the girl on the window side.  He obviously took my “I don’t want to talk to you” hint by having my ear phones on as “No Talky Time” and I was ever-so-happy about that.  So, he’s talking to the other girl and it’s just general info: Are you from So. Fla., why are you going to Tampa, Do you mind if I take my glasses off now and show you my extremely horrendous looking eye??  So, there’s the mystery behind the sunglasses. 

From what he told Window-Seat-Girl (WSG), he was at a bar.  Is anyone surprised by this comment?  No??  Didn’t think so – And his friend’s girlfriend walked away from their group and some other guy who was not in their group grabbed her ass – And SGG felt the need to pummel said ass-grabbing guy.  Which I thought was funny, considering, um, hello?  It’s not your girlfriend or your girlfriend’s ass.  Let your FRIEND deal with it.  So he goes on and on and on and on saying, “I mean, what was I gonna do – I had to do something – I mean, she was with us – And some idiot grabs her ass – I mean – Ya Know? – I mean, I’m a 37 year old man, I’m not a kid – yeah – I mean, what was I gonna do?”  I honestly think he repeated those exact phrases, in that exact order about 8 times.  So, I’m still listening to Aerosmith, but even Steven Tyler’s high pitched notes at the end of “Crazy” could not drown this guy out.  So, he continues and begins to show WSG his eye that got hit in the previously aforementioned Bar Brawl and continues to talk about the fact that he used to live in Tampa, but now he lives in So. Fla. (Fingers crossed for me girls – that means he’s local, and obviously available.  I mean, how no one has snatched this guy up as of yet is beyond me) and he’s going back to Tampa for a party, which is Friday night (that would be the night we’re flying) and he’s coming back to So. Fla. on Saturday (that would be in less than 4 or 5 hours), so, It was his right eye and it basically looked like every single blood vessel that could be in the eye, exploded.  Hence the glasses.  Nice move on his part.  It was quite sickly to look upon, but he kept them off when he was speaking to WSG and I felt bad for her – he even asked her if it freaked her out a little and she said no, but she never once looked over at him, so, there’s your real answer.  So, he continues with his blabber and all I can think is, this is the longest 40 minutes…EVER!  Finally the captain said something that sounded like it was English and it sounded like we would be landing soon. 

Oh Thank You Tom Cruise for saving me with your Witchcraft!  Usually when the captain makes the “We’ll be landing shortly” announcement, you usually have about 10 – 15 minutes before you land.  Well, SGG finished up his beer, threw away his trash (which I must say impressed me), and then…promptly fell asleep…again…on my shoulder.  Yep.  That really is the amount of luck I have – and he smelled even worse than before.  So, what did we learn from this story?  Always be nice to strangers right?  No.  Try to get a window seat and pretend to be asleep.  True Story.  Thank You For Your Time.