My Personal Space

What  you are about to read is a true story.  No names have been changed to protect the innocent (or the stupid).  Here is my story. 

It was lunch time on a weekday, and I needed to go to the mall on my lunch hour to meet my mother and make a gift purchase.  So, when you break it down, there’s really only about 30 real minutes to my actual lunch “hour.”  I had to go to the mall (btw – I absolutely LOATHE the mall on normal occasions) to purchase something @ the sports store there.  In general, the plan was to be the following: Meet my mother momentarily, briskly walk thru the mall to the previously aforementioned sports store, walk in, find the needed product, purchase said product, walk briskly out of the mall, get in my car, return to work and finish out the day.  Um, yeah….this plan – did not come to fruition. 

The actual “walk in, find the needed product, purchase said product” portion did take place.  It was the “walk briskly out of the mall” where I was accosted by a maller.  Ya know, the people that work in one of those middle kiosk booths – it’s a store on 4 wheels?  Anyways, this “maller” woman, named Daniel – yes, a woman named Daniel, yet she pronounces it DANIELLE, yet still spells it Daniel, literally jumps out right in front of me, grabs my head and starts petting my hair.  Seriously?  This chick just grabbed my head??  She had a rather heavy accent that I’m still unable to place, perhaps Himalayan? I don’t know, but in my mind she speaks with a Himalayan accent (mind you, I have no clue if that’s even possible – but it is now) – anyways, she starts ranting and raving about my hair.  Now, I like my hair – I tend to get compliments on my hair on occasion, but no one, and I truly mean NO ONE has ever just reached out, grabbed my head and started touching my hair.  You may or may not know this about me, so I’ll give you a little hint:  I really don’t care for random strangers tackling me and touching my hair.  So, she starts babbling about how amazing my hair is and how gorgeous the color is and I’m just waiting for her to let go of my hair before I pummel her, because, as we all know in regards to “girl fights” – wherever the hair goes, the body will follow {I learned that on The Jerry Springer Show and that’s a free nugget of knowledge for you to file away in your brain pattern to use for a later day if necessary.  You’re welcome, now let’s continue….} 

Okay, so, she finally lets go of my hair, yet she’s still petting it and raving about how long and straight my hair is.  She continues to speak and begins curling my hair with a “new” type of curling iron.  First of all, I’m not sure you heard me on that last statement – allow me to repeat myself….SHE BEGINS CURLING MY HAIR.  My hair.  Not her hair.  My hair.  Sweet Baby Jesus save this woman because she’s going down – and now I’m afraid to deck her because she’s holding my hair and it’s curled around a 400 degree metal rod and it could burn my hair off or burn me.  So, I slowly begin to tilt my head and THEN she asks me, “Oh sweetie, did you want me to curl your hair?” 

Really?  Now??  Wow….so, she’s already curled about 3 sections of my hair – and if I’m ever brought in for questioning or sent to trial in regards to this event, I will lie on the stand, but it was a really cool curling iron, not for $350 dollars, but still – so she starts her spiel (in her Himalayan accent) about how amazing this iron is and it has 4 detachable rods and each one creates a different type of curl and this one is for this and that one is for that and the other one can cure Mesothelioma….blah blah blah….whatever – the point at hand is that you freakin’ curled my hair.  I curl my hair – I have long, straight hair and when I curl it, it stays curly for about 40 minutes and then it’s straight again (damn Florida humidity) – anyways, she curls the crap outta my hair in 3 sections and I realize, my hair is NOT going to be straight again until later today when I wash it, because Daniel (I still can NOT get over HER name) had to be a PITA (Pain In The Ass) and snatch my hair.  Okay, long story longer, she continues to try and sell me on this product, even though I’ve made it PERFECTLY clear that I have no interest in the product whatsoever.  She even offers me….wait for it….wait….for….it….she even offers me a “special price – just for today only” – I know, I really do watch too many infomercials, so, she tells me she’ll GIVE it to me for $250 dollars, but only for today.  Wow!  GIVE it to me?  How nice….Now, the whole time she’s blabbering about how she’s going to GIVE me this product (which also includes 5 appointment times when I can come and have one of the “mallers” do my hair whenever I want, however I want, no matter what – WOW – how exciting! ***Note the sarcasm***) for $250 dollars, I’ve been brushing the curls out of my hair with my fingers trying to get rid of them because now I look like the crazy homeless lady who sits/sleeps/pees outside the Stop N’ Go Quick Mart with her cat singing to everyone who walks by, and she asks me why I’m not interested in the curling iron.  Wait….wait….did she just ask me WHY I’m not interested in the curling iron?  Oh Great Oden’s Raven, this is perfect – here’s my chance….I stop brushing my hair and look her dead in the eye and say, “Well DANIEL – I really don’t like this.”  She then retorted with a small laugh, started touching my hair again and then said, “No – really – why don’t you like the curling iron?” 

She just didn’t get it.  So, I lovingly pushed her hand away and said, “Do me a favor….make my hair straight again, I’ll walk away and you can talk to somebody else.”  She started laughing again – I think maybe her Himalayan sense of humor wasn’t up to par, so, she picked up another product and started attempting to fix my hair – all the while still jabbering about the damn curling iron and NOW she’s going to GIVE it to me for $200 dollars, oh and she’ll throw in an additional appointment, making the grand total of “6” appointments for me to get my hair done by random “mallers” – I explained, again….that I was not interested – and then she tells me I can make payments on it.  Are you kidding me?  Are we still having this conversation??  Am I on glue???  Make payments????  Not so much.  She continues to straighten my hair, which is not becoming straight again, and then says, “Well, it’s ONLY $200 dollars” – Only?  Only $200 dollars??  So, I tell her, “Well, if it’s ONLY $200 dollars, then you can pay for it and give it to me.  I mean, if it’s ONLY $200 dollars, it shouldn’t be a problem for you right?” – I explained $200 dollars was my Homeowners Association Payment, gas in my car, my electric bill, or my groceries – but since it was ONLY $200 dollars, she could pay for it, just give me the product and I’d be on my way.  Yeah – she didn’t like that too much.  She finished “fixing” my hair, actually gave me her company card with her number and hours on it (Praise Be – Because I wouldn’t have been able to sleep soundly without that information on-hand) and fake-smiled at me as I turned to walk away.  And that was it.  I was safe.  I was walking away….and then I was blindsided by a “background maller” (who honestly was dressed like a pirate) asking me to stop so he/she (sadly I couldn’t tell) could talk to me about some type of cleaning detergent….I promptly veered left, avoiding the peg-legged pirate, not even making eye contact and continued on in my search for the exit sign.  Did I mention that I loathe the mall?  True Story.  Thank You For Your Time.

A Plane Tripy-Trip

So, I hopped a plane to Tampa (I know, Fort Lauderdale to Tampa – world class traveler am I) to see one of my BFF’s – I just needed to get away from my craziness and have some good times with one of my favorite girlies, and she just moved into a new house and I wanted to see the loveliness of the new house – Also, I got the tickets for $9.00 each way, well, actually, I got them free, but that’s another story – Anywho, about the plane ride, I really shouldn’t complain, so I’m not going to, I’m just going to tell you a short story…that happens to have sarcasm, some attitude and possibly a lack of commendations within in – but no, no complaining. 

So, the plane trip to Tampa.  It was a 7:50pm flight – it should take 40 minutes.  How awesome is that?  By the time you reach altitude, it’s time to start dropping again to land.  Phenom!  Anyboredom, I ended up with an aisle seat, but I wanted a window seat, but it’s better than the middle seat, so, I was okay with the aisle seat.  There was a girl in the window seat and a guy in the middle seat.  I put my luggage away and sat down to chillax while the remaining 144 other people attempted to find their seats.  So, you may or may not know this about me, but I’m a people watcher…I like to watch people, not in a creepy way, just in an interested way, and the guy next to me is wearing sunglasses.  And it’s 7:30 at night.  And we’re sitting in a plane.  BINGO!  I just found my next investigative study.  So, he seems really anxious to get this plane in the air, and he keeps looking around the seat in front of him to see the line of people lingering in the walkway, similar to how one would look around stopped cars in front of you when you’re sitting in traffic wondering what in the hell is holding everything up – but unlike in traffic, where it could be a myriad of reasons, this is a plane, and there’s really only one reason…people take their S.A.T. (Sweet Ass Time) – that’s it.  They know they’re going on a flight, they know they have to be at the airport at a certain time, they know they have to be on the plane to get to where they need to go…and they still drag along like their freakin’ feet are glued to the ground.  No clue. 

Anways, people were still boarding the plane at 7:50pm, which is when we were supposed to take off, and the guy next to me keeps futzing with his seat and the seatbelt and the tray table, and the Time magazine from August 2006 (which informed me that “The Simpsons” is no longer being shown in China – huh…Awkward) and anything he can get a hold of really, he’s messing with.  Oh, I forgot to mention that as soon as I sat down, I realized he’d already started drinking.  Apparently he’d been drinking since…he was about 12 (and he’s 37 – I’ll tell you how I learned that lil’ nugget of knowledge a little later, please stay tuned) – so, everyone gets nestled all cozy-like in their seats, (Note To Readers: Spirit Air Staff is not so much my favorite air staff.  Thank You.  That Is All), finally, we take off.  I’ve got my iPod and am listening to some Aerosmith and realize the OCD dude beside me has completely passed out and is currently resting his head, which houses his alcohol-drenched breath ever so lovingly on my shoulder.  Blah.  I don’t like people that I know touching me all that much, let alone random strangers.  So, I shift my shoulder and his head bounces back and he wakes himself up.  Now, as I had mentioned before, this is a 40 minute flight.  Yeah – The flight crew comes around and offers food and drink….to purchase…um, no thanks – but, additional side note:  You can buy beer and alcohol.  So guess who sitting next to me wanted to buy some beer.  Indeed.  Our good friend, Sunglasses Guy (who I shall lovingly refer to as S.G.G. for the remainder of this post) – and SGG bellows to the Flight Attendant and asks what kind of beer they have.  She says, Miller, Miller Lite or Bud Light – and here’s how it went down:

SGG: “Um, I’ll take a Bud Light.”

Flight Attendant: “Sure – How many do you want?”

SGG: “How many do I want? It’s a short flight sweetie – this ain’t a party!”

Flight Attendant: “Okay – No problem, Miller it is.” 

SGG: “No, I’d like the Bud Light”

Flight Attendant: “Oh, sorry…no problem – so, Miller?” 

Which is when I began to giggle, because that’s just free comedy right there.  Anywho, she said sorry, again…and went to get the beer.  He looks at the girl to the right of him and myself and says, “You both heard that right?  What was that about?”  I told him she must obviously own stock in Miller.  So, the attendant comes back and hands him a plastic cup and…a Miller.  Seriously?  Wow.  Even I laughed when that happened.  He started laughing and she promptly walked away to mess up someone else’s request.  So he starts to open the can and I told him to ask for the Bud (since that’s what he asked for originally) – and when she walked back by, he got her attention and asked for the Bud instead of the Miller.  She looked at him like he had just asked her to bend over for a second so he could have a place to put the beer – she was just awkward.  So, she comes back, with the Bud Light and didn’t even apologize for the screw up.  Oh well.  He pops the can open and starts drinking.  Then, bless her heart, he starts chatting to the girl on the window side.  He obviously took my “I don’t want to talk to you” hint by having my ear phones on as “No Talky Time” and I was ever-so-happy about that.  So, he’s talking to the other girl and it’s just general info: Are you from So. Fla., why are you going to Tampa, Do you mind if I take my glasses off now and show you my extremely horrendous looking eye??  So, there’s the mystery behind the sunglasses. 

From what he told Window-Seat-Girl (WSG), he was at a bar.  Is anyone surprised by this comment?  No??  Didn’t think so – And his friend’s girlfriend walked away from their group and some other guy who was not in their group grabbed her ass – And SGG felt the need to pummel said ass-grabbing guy.  Which I thought was funny, considering, um, hello?  It’s not your girlfriend or your girlfriend’s ass.  Let your FRIEND deal with it.  So he goes on and on and on and on saying, “I mean, what was I gonna do – I had to do something – I mean, she was with us – And some idiot grabs her ass – I mean – Ya Know? – I mean, I’m a 37 year old man, I’m not a kid – yeah – I mean, what was I gonna do?”  I honestly think he repeated those exact phrases, in that exact order about 8 times.  So, I’m still listening to Aerosmith, but even Steven Tyler’s high pitched notes at the end of “Crazy” could not drown this guy out.  So, he continues and begins to show WSG his eye that got hit in the previously aforementioned Bar Brawl and continues to talk about the fact that he used to live in Tampa, but now he lives in So. Fla. (Fingers crossed for me girls – that means he’s local, and obviously available.  I mean, how no one has snatched this guy up as of yet is beyond me) and he’s going back to Tampa for a party, which is Friday night (that would be the night we’re flying) and he’s coming back to So. Fla. on Saturday (that would be in less than 4 or 5 hours), so, It was his right eye and it basically looked like every single blood vessel that could be in the eye, exploded.  Hence the glasses.  Nice move on his part.  It was quite sickly to look upon, but he kept them off when he was speaking to WSG and I felt bad for her – he even asked her if it freaked her out a little and she said no, but she never once looked over at him, so, there’s your real answer.  So, he continues with his blabber and all I can think is, this is the longest 40 minutes…EVER!  Finally the captain said something that sounded like it was English and it sounded like we would be landing soon. 

Oh Thank You Tom Cruise for saving me with your Witchcraft!  Usually when the captain makes the “We’ll be landing shortly” announcement, you usually have about 10 – 15 minutes before you land.  Well, SGG finished up his beer, threw away his trash (which I must say impressed me), and then…promptly fell asleep…again…on my shoulder.  Yep.  That really is the amount of luck I have – and he smelled even worse than before.  So, what did we learn from this story?  Always be nice to strangers right?  No.  Try to get a window seat and pretend to be asleep.  True Story.  Thank You For Your Time.

Why Am I Here?

Why Am I Here?   I think a better question is why are YOU here??  I mean, you weren’t forced to click on this particular page, but it definitely shows us something.  Okay, I’ve been thinking about it and I have 5 words for you – You Were Bored.  No – that’s okay, I’m okay with the “being bored” factor – trust me, I’ve been there.  I’m actually there right now - And guess what, until I get the hang of this thing (that’s what she said) you’re probably gonna stay bored for a little bit longer…

In the meantime, thanks for stopping by.  I’ve enjoyed having you.  I hope you’ve enjoyed being had.  I’ll stop by your place later for some pizza and some NoDoz.  It’ll be great fun…until then…